oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo10.26.2005
Break up Rule # 3:
Never stop thinking about him,
cause the minute you do...he appears.
Well.
Today was kind of a round-house kick to the face.
R e w i n d.
For those of you who aren't all up in my kool-aid, here's a taste of the flavor:
|year 1| boy + i = nothing more than hook up buddies, with buddy used loosely (cause i'm pretty sure i didn't really like him as a person and he already had a girlfriend.)
|year 2| repeat the first part - the girlfriend and + more drama as I started to fall for my best friend. Eventually, I told him it was over and I started to try and find some happiness in a real relationship.
|year 3| repeat 1 and 2, but minus the sex (with boy 1) and + the inevitable craziness of the best friend turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend turned boyfriend for the second time ( but not in name, really...) boy 1 starts realizing his feelings for me as I try and make things work with boy 2, my supposed college sweetheart. boy 1 starts acting weird. i try to figure shit out.
|year 4| repeat 1,2 and 3 with boy 1 and the best friend turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend turned boyfriend for the second time turned back to ex-boyfriend part 2 duking it out ( though not really to their express knowledge) for me and my "affections." boy 1 throws crazy romantic note down stairwell at me after night of too much drinking. he tells me he's fallen for me. wants me to be his... meanwhile i'm still holding out hope for BFtBtExBtBtExB2 to realize he's in love with me ( or something, which is ridiculous cause i wasn't in love with him really...argh) but BFtBtExBtBtExB2 and i are insane together and would never work out. at least boy 1 seems like he's really ready for a real relationship with me. perhaps he's learned his lesson in love.
|year 4 con't| i try and stay away from BFtBtExBtBtExB2 in order to maintain my sanity (and not fall into old habits with a boy i'll always be passionate for) and boy 1 and i try to build a real relationship.
|year 4 con't again| i'm blissfully happy. i'm in love. all is right in the world. this may be
it. |year 5ish| it all goes to hell and long story short (too late) i break up with him cause he makes neither time nor effort to fight for me...or us, or at least he makes me feel like it which is just as bad... and he breaks my heart.
So here I am: in love with someone I can't be with.
Someone who I thought I could marry.
Someone who couldn't muster the kind of strength that I needed for him to fight for me.
I'm so upside down and inside out about this whole thing, I don't know who's to blame anymore. All I know is that it doesn't seem to stop hurting. And everytime I think it does, when I feel like there is some semblance of a chance that I might be moving on, ready to be his friend... I see him. Happy. Perfectly okay... without me.
And then it all falls apart in side again. The glue quite hasn't put it all back together yet.
I know, I know.Stop being such a chick about it.
I keep telling myself that, but then inevitably I flip on the TV and every channel is showing The Wedding Planner or Sleepless in Seattle or some other romantic propoganda that teaches women that they don't want to just be in love.
They want to be in love in a movie.
Maybe I was screwed from the beginning, my standards set so high that even prince charming standing on the back of his white horse couldn't even reach.
Or maybe love just isn't enough sometimes.
scribed; 10/26/2005 10:15:00 PM
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