[ remember, that these are the moments. ]

oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo10.30.2005

i have so many things to say and yet the words fall from my mouth like crumbs of cake.

Meaningless trash.

I wish I could figure out how to navigate this whole situation, but as I watch you from across the room I realize there is little I can control.

I could never control you.

I could never have you as my own.

I knew that.

I know that.

And still some part of me, that smart girl with the penchant for emotionally unavailable boys, believes - believed - that I could've changed you.

That I could've made this work and made things better...for the both of us.

And now things have fallen apart and away from me.

I've learned the hardest lesson of all.

That love isn't steadfast.

Love isn't about holding on.

Love isn't enough to save me.

And worst of all, that love isn't immutable.

Love can turn into resentment.

Into bitterness.

Into pain.

Into a hurt so deep that every day felt like dying.

I know you don't understand. Maybe you never will.

I have lived through much in my life -- things in my life that I could not control.

But more than death or illness has ever done to make me look back on my life, this one singular broken promise has made me rethink so much of my world.

The truth is -- with you, I was the best of me that I could ever imagine to be.

Without you, I doubt everything else.

Now I know it'll take time and I may have trouble trusting again, even loving again, but eventually, I hope, that I will find the kind of strength I need to move on again and let go in favor of something greater than even this.

And hopefully one day I can believe that watching you walk out of my life, though sad and painful, meant the beginning of something greater for me: a kind of love that even time will lie down and be still for and a man who will realize that somethings are worth fighting for.

scribed; 10/30/2005 06:25:00 PM
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