oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.30.2005
first an apology.
i haven't been very good about posting lately, i normally would blame my cold
or lack of time
but mainly, i think i've had too many things to say
and no where to begin.
a lot of things have been happening lately.
not the crazy sort of life altering phone calls in the middle of the evening tell you your parent has passed away.
or your city getting attacked by terrorists.
or something about a blood count and growing cycts in bad places.
nothing like that.
no, this has been more of a confederation of subtle moments,
small wrinkles in the fabric of every day normal life
that have lead to bigger changes in the pond.
you know?
the whole butterfly in the desert sort of thing.
and as every day passes i find myself feeling (more and more) the growing pains of growing up.
mostly, i feel like with the recent storm front of heartache in my life has forced me into the kind of adulthood i had been avoiding.
the kind of adulthood that means you have to make decisions every day.
hard ones.
painful ones.
complicated ones.
that garauntee the kind of life for yourself that is best for you
and only you.
i've about reached that point in my life where i need to be selfish about my love and the people i let into my life.
the recent set of minor (and major) betrayals have taught me a lot about that.
the people i thought would be there always, through everything, have turned into some of the more toxic aspects of my life as of recently.
like a bad drug, its hard to stop. withdrawl is unbearable. but inevitably these people and parts of your life will only end up hurting you.
and only you.
and i need to learn to not be so forgiving this time with the pieces of my heart that i have recovered whole from the events of the past two months.
i need to learn to move on.
and so i've tried, quite valiantly from what my roommates and friends have told me, to let go,
but things keep weighing on me.
the why's and how's and how could you's just keep pressing on me to make it nearly unbearable to breath.
so purge i must, even if its just to all of you, because i feel that this time around whatever i say to them won't change a damn thing.
fighting doesn't always make you strong, you know.
first, to you oh certain frat boy.
i think you read this. at least i'm moderately sure.
and i'm not sure if you got the "fuck you" part of the last real conversation we had.
but you're always telling me to read your blog instead of actually talk to me about your life, so here it is.
i'm not sure i want to be your friend anymore.
in fact, the way things are going lately -- i'm pretty damn sure that's a good decision on my part.
i've taken a lot of time to think about it and, honestly, if i've been right to make any of the decisions i have made about my love life in the past school year then why should i continue to allow you to treat me in the same awful manner.
you were right.
you were an asshole to me.
you've hurt me, you've betrayed my trust and on more than one ocassion broken my heart.
i loved you.
i was IN love with you.
for nearly four agonizing years of our relationship/friendship/whatever, i waited for you to even tell me you loved me back.
to wake up and realize that i was important to you and valuable to you and that, although, significant others come and go
you and i were for life.
even after i had moved on, knowing full well you would never feel the same way i felt about you, i still loved you.
i wanted you to be happy.
but always was i the consolation prize.
the girl you ran to after your heart got broken again and again.
of course i would pick up the phone at 4am to talk you down from a night of agonizing over
her.
of course i would make every big moment special and call you to check up on you.
of course i would cuddle and tell you i loved you even when you would just say " persistant" back to me.
i'm your comfort zone. your fall back girl.
i understand that now.
and ever since
she came into your life everything has changed.
or maybe, everything just became a little more evident to me about how they hadn't changed.
in five years i was still "just paloma" to you.
someone you could sleep with, play with, love off of and use in order to make yourself feel a little less lonely without ever worrying about the consequences.
cause you and i are different. we're the exception, right?
you claimed that i was the one on the pedestal, but really, i was just that mat at your feet.
a stepping stone to a better thing.
and here we are again.
i feel like i've written this entry about us too many times.
you write in your blog how she's the only person who's ever really loved you.
how she's amazing and the only thing you live for.
how she taught you how to love and how she's the person that changed your life.
and you know what i say?
fuck you. fuck off.
how you could say all that after everything.
after all the bullshit you've told me.
i have a right to stake some claim in your heart.
i loved you when no one else did,
i loved you even when you made me cry, night after night.
but it was never enough for you.
she cheated on you.
told the other guy she loved him.
and continues to play you for a fool but you run back to her like you're drowning.
like she's the only drink of water in a desserted universe.
and yet, i'm still the one that has to comfort you in the dark of the morning so that you don't succumb to punch drunk love.
so here it is:
go and be with her.
be happy and marry her.
all i ever wanted was for you to be happy.
you're just going to have to learn how to be happy without me, which given everything you've said recently
doesn't seem all that hard to me.
second, to the peanut gallery.
i'm not sure who you're trying to fool
but its obvious to the world
and to me
what's going on.
not gonna lie.
it's more than a little shady.
and so very hurtful.
especially since i knew it all along.
everyone knew it.
and now to face such an unholy merger breaks my heart.
and there is nothing i can say or do.
but sit back and watch it all happen.
scribed; 11/30/2005 01:46:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.27.2005
first off,
this has to be the third or fourth or sixteenth blog entry i've attempted to post.
i just have so much to say and yet, the words fail me.
mostly, i'm just pissed.
annoyed.
frustrated.
i pretty much run the gauntlet.
i feel like i'm in such a gray area for so many things.
life.
relationships.
friendships.
and its making me very unhappy.
scribed; 11/27/2005 11:09:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.21.2005
i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what i want.
having had some pretty significant relationships with men while at carnegie mellon,
you start to think about what did and did not work.
what you liked.
what you didn't like.
and mainly, you start to think about all the little things that you missed.
so i made a list.
just in case sometime in the future i forget what's important,
or even, i forget what makes me happy.
the grand gesture (once in a while) is great,
but its the little things that make all the difference.
"it's the little things"
by me
brushing hair away from my face
kissing me when i talk too much
nose rubs and eskimo kisses
kissing my hand
kissing my forehead
hug from behind when i least expect it
tickling me when i get too serious
iming me just to say hi, even if you're busy and need to run
calling me back
calling me first
holding me
kissing my bare shoulder
opening the door for me
always offering to do something, even if you can't do it
be excited to see me after a long absence
playing with my hair when we're quiet and watching tv
making me laugh
being truthful and having faith that i'll understand
hugging me
always be willing for another go
not liking all of my music/tv show preference/fave films, but respecting my choice and sucking it up to listen/watch it with me
cooking dinner together
running your hand down my spine
dabbling
sharing your passions and stories from home
staring at me from across the room at a party and smiling
loving my friends
being loved by my friends
being a good friend always
passionate argument --> passionate make up sex
remembering what i like, even if i said it in passing a long time ago
buying me something, just cause you saw it and thought of me
asking me out on a date, even if we've already been together for a while
not afraid to be affectionate
always knowing that when we're in bed, you won't allow me to lie down without your arm being under my head
sharing a joke or a funny video when i'm upset and sad
always trying, even if it doesn't work out
telling me i'm beautiful when i'm not even dressed up
[more to come, unfortunately, i need to head to a test now. if you want to submit one, leave me a comment and i'll put it on my list.]
scribed; 11/21/2005 02:03:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.18.2005
hey kids.
stiiiill sick.
been working on a post for a while now, but i haven't been able to stay awake long enough to write anything good, so i'm kicking it up old school livejournal/xanga style and posting a filler survery from about two years ago. I left the original answers in brackets just to demonstrate the difference a few years make.
----
. Name: Paloma Elena Figueroa
. Birthday: 07. 11. 1983
. What time is it? [2:38am] 6:43pm
LAST PERSON WHO.... Slept in your bed: [Dawson] the Boy
. Saw you cry: [CFB] Zavo
. Made you cry: [CFB] Wow. Still him.
. Spent the night at your house: [Lourdes] the Boy
. You shared a drink with: [CFB] My roomies
. You went to the movies with: [Magic Man] Chel
. You went to the mall with: [Dawson] Chel
. Yelled at you: [My parents] My teachers
. Sent you an e-mail: [Navy Guy] My teachers
. Said they were going to kill you: [Myself] ditto.
HAVE YOU EVER.... Said "I love you" and meant it? [It's apparently my biggest flaw] Yeah. Well.
. Been to New York? [It's my city] Can't argue there.
. Been to Florida? [I used to live there] Spring Break '05
. California? [I wish I lived there] FINALLY, got there. STILL love it.
. Hawaii? [Oooh...even MORE so wished I lived there] SB '06?
. Mexico? [I almost died there] Well, there's that.
. China? [Nope] No.
. Canada? [Ooh ooh, give me a week then ask me again] SB '03?
. Danced naked? [Do it allll the time] What do you think my roomies and I do?
. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day? [It's me, who would be surprised?] It's been a while. My powers are rusty.
. Got a really bad feeling about something then it happened? [My great grandmother was called a "seer" in her town because she used to have prophetic dreams] Call me Paloma McProphety.
. Wish you were the opposite sex? [I wonder what it would be to have sex as a boy] Nah, I have enough problems being a girl.
. Had an imaginary friend? [You mean the voices in my head?] Never had one.
. Red or blue? Red is the color of passion.
. Spring or fall? [Sprriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing] Both, but fall's growing on me.
. Math or English? [ENGLISH...it would be my major] Not so much anymore (major), but still love it more than Math.
. What are you going to do after you finish this survey? [Go to bed] Go out.
. What was the last food you ate? [MooseTracks ice cream] Pizza Bites.
. High school or college? [College all the way] Amen.
. Are you bored? [It's 2:45 am and I'm still up. Of course I'm bored] Trying to think about what I'm going to do tonight.
. How many buddies are on? [100 plus. God I'm popular...lol] I've streamlined.
. Last movie you saw? [Office Space] HP: GoF
. Last noise you heard? [Me sneezing] Again. Same.
. Last time you went out of the state: [NYC a few days ago] It's been a while.
. Things you like in a girl/guy: [sense of humor] knows what they want.
. Do you have a crush on someone? [I wouldn't call it a crush.] I would.
. Do they know? [Yup.] Prob.
. What's his/her name? [Heh. Do you READ my livejournal?] What she said.
. What book are you reading now? [Alice Munro's Moons of Jupiter] Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman
. What's on your mouse pad? [I have a laptop] I have a LP again!
. Favourite board game? [Cranium]
. Favourite magazine? [Some positively mindless men's mag] Lucky/NY Mag
. Worst feeling in the world? [Finding out what I did this weekend] I kind of wonder what I'm talking about here.
. What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning? [What he's thinking.] I'm guessing a mean Dawson, but now it's just "uggggggh."
. How many rings before you answer? [two] i answer my phone?
. Future daughter's name: [Georgia or Angeli] Don't make me break out my list.
. Future son's name: [Brian] or Diego.
. Chocolate or vanilla? [chocolate] Vanilla with stuff in it.
. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? [Kirby and Stich] WTF happened to stitch?
. If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be? [Forensic Psychologist] Famous Writer/Event Planner/World Saver
. Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous? [Righty]
. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys? [Yup. I can type with out looking, it's yet another testement that I spend waaaayyyyy too much time on my computer.] I think for the most part that's true.
. What's under your bed? [Crate of shoes, suitcases, my cats] Nada. My bed is on the floor now.
. Favorite sport to watch? [Basketball or Soccer] Hockey
. Hair Color: [Brownish] Red/Brown
. Eye Color: [Brown]
. Height Currently: [Way too short] Jusssst right.
. Glasses/contacts: [Glasses] Both
. Current Age: [19] 22
. Siblings: [1 sister]
. Siblings Age: [28] 30s
. Location: [Pburgh] Same.
. College Plans: [Finish school] Have a normal life.
. Any Piercings: [Gah, don't talk to me about that] Nope.
. Best Friends: [*sighs*] You know who you are.
. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: [Yup] I'm seeing someone, yes.
. Current Crush: [You're persistent aren't you?] No comment.
. Hobbies: [My life is hobby enough] ahaha. I'm so witty.
. What Type Automobile Do You Drive: [*pouts*] Someone else's.
. Are You Timely Or Always Late: [Eh. I'm anal about time but I'm often late.] That hasn't changed.
. Do You Have A Job: [Club Entropy] Entermedia Corp.
. Do You Like Being Around People: [Yup, but sometimes people need to just go the fuck away.] Can't argue with that.
STUFF.... Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: [Apparently.] Yeah, and it still fucking hurts.
. Have You Ever Cried Over Something Someone of The Opposite Sex Did:
[Oooohhhh, yeah.] Or DIDN'T do.
. Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: [The assholes] The cocky ones that have no idea what they really want.
. Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: [Always] sigh.
. Ever Liked a close Guy/Girl Friend: [That is always the problem isn't it?] I'm currently trying to break myself of that habit.
. Are You Lonely Right Now: [Kind of.] Not particularly.
. Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: [I think I'll get married a few times.] I'm not sure anymore.
. Do You Want To Get Married: [I have the wedding all planned out.] I would like a 3 day wedding...
. Do You Want Kids: [God I hope so...] my life's aspirations.
FAVORITE.... Room In house: [Living room] my room
. Type of music: [I'm as eclectic as you can get] Anything that doesn't remind me of him.
. Song: [Our song] In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
. Memory: [Of that fateful morning] My mom.
. Day Of The Week: [Friday] Friday
. Color: [Red] Green
. Perfume Or Cologne: [I have my own unique smell] Something RL.
. Flower: [Daisies] Cala lilies and Daisies
. Month: [July] December
. Season: [Spring/Winter its a toss up] Summer?
. Location for dates: [Central Park] I miss going on dates.
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU:
. Cried: [Probably] No.
. Bought Something: [Yup] No again.
. Gotten Sick: [Unfortunately] Still am.
. Sang: [Eastwick knows] Because of You.
. Said I Love You: [No] No.
. Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them, But Didn't: [*sigh*] ugh.
. Met Someone New: [Yes] No.
. Moved On: [*looks down*] I'm doing my best.
. Talked To Someone: [Yup] Yeah.
. Had A Serious Talk: [I'm looking forward to that] Yeah.
. Missed Someone: [God yes] Unfortunately, yes.
. Hugged Someone: [Always] I need to get on that.
. Kissed Someone: [*smiles*] No...but soon!
. Fought With Your Parents: [Thankfully no] I don't have parents anymore. Just a parent.
. Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: [Ya'll are big on the unrequired love shit] I try not to torture myself.
. Had a lot of sleep: [Please?] I just took a four hour nap! YAY!
scribed; 11/18/2005 06:34:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.17.2005
sorry kids, i've been ill so i haven't been posting.
i promise i'll update soon!
(i swear, caryl.)
scribed; 11/17/2005 08:39:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.13.2005
well, that was quite the scandalous weekend.
some people get hangovers from drinking too much.
i get a hangover from dealing with too much drama.
let's go to the replay, shall we?
friday:all was pretty damn good until i had a talk with a friend of mine about
he who shall not...
turns out he's a lying sack.
and worse might turn out that he's a lying cheating sack.
awesome right?
yeah, until about 6 hours later when the gravity of the chit chat really broke my sobering demeaner.
of course i remembered the underwear.
and then i went over every last interaction i had with him, nitpicking every last tick and tock of whatever we were (pffffffft, in love, in lust who knows) trying to figure out how and when he could've cheated on me.
it was torturous.
and a huge waste of time, if you ask me.
cause i'm not sure.
i'm not sure who to believe or what to think, cause i trusted him.
and when you trust someone, you never see shit like this coming.
until over a month later when you've finally (or at least your thought) gotten your shit together and have started to make those first steps in moving on.
wham.
bam.
fuck you, ma'am.
i should've known better.
the whispers on the grapevine all these years (and of course there was the hard evidence that never made any sense) should've indicated that while not necessarily bible canon, had some basis in truth.
saturday:still dealing with the crushing reality of possible philandering of man i love(d).
slept most of the day, avoided work ( you know the usual.)
started the night off with dinner with friends.
ended the night with attempted molestation and emotional breakdown (not mine.)
long story short, some kid tried to take advantage. Failed.
the Boy came over to take care. Super happy Paloma.
he leaves and five minutes later cue frantic scary phone call from an ex-boy.
the details are blurry.
there was a lot of sobbing.
a lot of apologies and "it's not your fault"s.
you know what he said? he essentially said i cursed him.
that his failed relationships all stem back to when i had just graduated high school and boyfriend of the time decided that he needed to be free to sleep and see other people.
for reasons of mere bullshit and inconvenience.
and its somehow my fault indirectly.
i just thought we had gotten beyond that.
water under the bridge.
what had not killed us, had make us stronger.
apparently to believe that was naive.
and we were back at square one.
sighs.
i tried everything i could to calm him down: crying, pleading, reasonsing.
nothing worked.
his light, or the light he thought was his, had gone out of his life.
and it was heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time.
suddenly my insecurities about falling for someone who couldn't love me back, resurfaced. so many of the things that had happened between us molded how i am with men today. he's the reason
he who shall not... even hooked up.
the whole fraternity incident.
everything that happened, changed a little piece of me.
including my fear of being in an requited love situation.
i loved him so much and for so long
and still it's not enough.
there was always something else out there.
and she fucked it up for all of us.
it ended up being a pretty traumatic conversation.
you want to try and make someone happy,
but they still don't get it.
even though you've been yelling it at them for years, they've gone deaf in that ear.
they still can't hear you.
ugh. what does a girl do?
absolutely nothing.
he's got to learn on his own that life and love don't take hostages.
it's painful. it's fucked up.
but it's worth it.
and no matter how scared you are to jump,
the more tragic thing in life can be not trying and risking at all.
( and that no matter what, you'd still be there to help them get back up again.)
but i guess you just can't always save them.
on a lighter note, before the Teen Hotline Incidnet began I was prettttty fucking happy. the Boy came over to comfort and talk.
it amazes me really how much of that i've missed.
how lying together and talking and laughing and cuddling is so important to be close to someone.
it was simple.
and sweet.
and just what i needed to remind me that there is a flicker of hope in the world --
that guys aren't all assholes, and can really let themselves be that kind of guy to a girl.
time heals all wounds, but the idea of someone else...
of something else.
something better.
can be the greatest hope of all.
even for someone like me.
scribed; 11/13/2005 03:22:00 PM
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happy.very happy.
scribed; 11/13/2005 03:21:00 AM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.12.2005
Cause the love that you gave
that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it?you know what i really love?
i
love how still even now,
i keep finding out things about
he who shall not...
things that i had always suspected,
but he had so vehemently denied.
things that i actually had given him the benefit of the doubt for.
i can't believe i actually believed you, or in you.
and i blame myself really.
that with each new day there is another opportunity for you to break my heart.
i can almost hear that last nail in the coffin.
i just wish it didn't have to go through my heart first to get there.
scribed; 11/12/2005 04:33:00 AM
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and no, kid.
there will NOT be a blog post about this.
scribed; 11/12/2005 04:27:00 AM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.10.2005
Chuckles tells me Vincent Gallo is selling off his sperm for a million a pop.
He then promptly suggested I investigate bottling my own mojo.
I'm sorry kids, this mojo is all my own.
Trust me, I have no idea how I do it.
I may be unlucky in life, but I seem to be pretty fucking lucky in like/love.
I'm spoiled.
I know it.
You know it.
I'm a girl who's managed to not be really wanting, not once, for almost 6 years now.
And I'm not an love addict (though I do enjoy the physical and intimate aspect.)
I can live without a boyfriend quite well.
Maybe that's the Catch-22, my friends.
Maybe
only when you're okay with just being with yourself that someone falls into your lap.
(Like at a Halloween party when you're trashed and with all your favorite people and he who shall not be named is watching.)
I like him.
I really do.
And everyone seems to really dig him and us together, but I'm in no rush for anything.
It's been a little over a month and my feelings are still in disarray.
But, damn, it's really nice to have some light at the end of this long dark tunnel.
(Even if he does try and eat my remote when he's drunk.)
scribed; 11/10/2005 11:11:00 PM
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not gonna lie,
i'm kind of upset.
well, maybe beyond upset...
inconsolable is more like it.
i'm trying to be rational.
i'm trying to be up beat,
but i've got to say it's like every day i realize how very badly i still hurt.
and every day i find one more discarded piece of my heart underneath the rug that i need to try and glue back on the rather pathetically put together mass of shards i've reconstructed.
and i feel pathetic as these intimate little revelations rain on my head mercilessly and unyielding.
and of course me without a iron plate umbrella.
it was 6:37pm and i was just standing there middle of the kitchen holding a plastic jug of geagle brand cran-grape juice.
they were right when they always say that life blindsides you on some idle wednesday evening.
cause it was then that i remembered that you drink cranberry juice.
that's where i got it from.
i was talking to certainfratboy tonight and it amazed me at how much he'd changed.
a better man because of me?
or did i just rub enough that i finally rubbed off on him?
he's kind. he's caring ( a little too much now). he cares about his wardrobe.
and it made me think,
how much of who i am today, as a woman, is because of the men that have passed through the hollows of my heart?
i started really cooking and baking cause of the ex college sweetheart.
i became a cheese snob with a cran-grape fetish cause of he who will not be mentioned at the moment because i haven't yet thought up a non bitchy nickname.
i learned how to snuggle from CFB.
so many of these nuances, these quirks that i had previously passed off as just being habits i picked up along the way, are actually remnents of the things they left behind in me,
in my life
perhaps as a way to remember them and the way things were once wonderful
and normal
and pretty damn close to perfect for a little while.
i started to realize that as much as i try to run away from my heartbreak
i can never run away from myself
scribed; 11/10/2005 01:26:00 AM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.09.2005
be happy
for this moment
is your
life.just thought i'd drop down some wisdom from the blogosphere heaven's.
it's been one of those days to keep it short and sweet.
scribed; 11/09/2005 10:06:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.08.2005
so i just had an epiphany of sorts.
it's been like four years coming, i know.
[note: i know somehow i'm gonna get in trouble for this post, cause he always had spies everywhere and as much as i would like to avoid his wrath, but i think given the situation and him not really wanting to be my friend past college anyway..it really shouldn't bloody matter to me anymore. pffft. i say that now right?]
chuckles and i were discussing the ex college sweetheart situation, his new job (in insurance) and his forthcoming trip to the big apple (which considering he is the epitome of a bostoner/bostonian/red sox fan always strikes me as an awkward pairing) to visit his former roommate and friend, my supposed former "rival" for his affections/attention (whatever) during our last two years here.
now i loved him.
i wasn't in love with him ( as i'm sure he's told other people.)
but we had a sort of passionate and volatile relationship that defined a lot of things in my life, including how NOT to be a bad girlfriend and how to take life a little less seriously.
we had an amazing sex life that i think has spoiled me rotten to this day and i think we got each other on certain levels of madness.
and we could never keep away form each other.
as the wise sherpa of life andy described it, it was pretty much "fight and fuck."
anyway, four years of chaos and drama that pretty much writes itself into a WB classic, we ended it on pretty "eh" terms.
i never really got us.
we fought like a newly divorced couple.
we made up like newlyweds.
but we never really questioned the magnetism.
i guess sometimes there are just people that get under your skin.
that make you crazy.
and for a long period of time, make you wanna be a better person.
i learned a lot from being with him and i wish we could still be friends.
but i'm glad for the time we had, even if it was "fight and fuck."
but going back to the revelation, chuck and i were talking about his job and how it sort of fits him. insurance in boston, his first love.
steady on.
pretty fucking normal.
pretty fucking him.
and that's when i had the revelation.
he and i, do make sense.
a lot of sense actually.
he was the american grade normalcy of an educated, sports loving, reliable, and fairly dawson type economy ( additional major in psychology) major. the kind of boy next door consistency that i needed to get me through the next seasons of the insitute. the kind of boy that loves when you scrunch your nose and remembers from freshman year what your answers were on a cosmo quiz about what you like most about men, long before he even considered dating you.
i was the kind of liberal minded drama that your friends complain about for years after you've married the nice girl from down the road. the (good and sometimes bad) kind of crazy that thrusts your life into a spotlight you didn't think you wanted, but kind of needed, in order to feel something beyond the pretty boring routine of life. i'm
that girl in college.
hmmm.
this shit pretty much writes itself doesn't it?
scribed; 11/08/2005 10:15:00 PM
1 Leave me some love.
taking a moment from work to chat a little.
i know some of you rely on my witty musings and creative advice to get you through your day.
so here goes.
i think there isn't much that woman actually want.
i also think there isn't much men aren't capable of doing in order to fulfil that.
unfortunately, the thing that i
know is that there is some ( and by some i mean monstrous) amount of communication problems ( men speak martian while women speak in disney movies) that create the ever expanding gap of stupidity and strife that often exists between the sexes.
[aside: if you happen to be a girl with the balls in the relationship the same goes to you. for purely lazy reasons i'm going to refer to you in the masculine. And if you happent o be m4m or w4m or bi4bi or polyamourous or whatever...just...deal with it for now cause like i said: i'm too lazy to write out a table.
example a:
s/he says: hey, i know you can't talk to me today but text message me to say hi or something.
s/he thinks: i'll get to if if i can get to it.
s/he means: hey, i'll deal with you not calling me today, but at least show me some sign that you think about me during the day and text me a hello so that i can tame my sudden insecurities in our relationship.
now look carefully.
he just wants some indication that you think about her during the day.
he just wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants ( of course he thinks about her, but its more a background buzz than the constant pressing need to hear about it from her...which is okay to a point.)
can we all take a gander as to what happens?
he forgets. goes off to hang out with his buds, his sister, his female best friend, even to do homework. MAYBE he texts at 12 that night when he remembers thinking its not a big deal, she should know he was busy.
she, meanwhile, has found a new boyfriend on face book that will respect her requests and find a little time to make her day.
and everyone is screwed.
it really just boggles the mind.
now i like to consider myself capable of being in both situations. in the past i've been the one doing the chasing and being the chased. i've done coy and feminist and aggressive and nonchalant. it happens. its supposedly just the evolution of the modern girl. we can wear the pants and the skirts.
what i've noticed though is that despite all the changes in cultural influences, two thing has remained to screw everything up:
1.romantic-comedies
2.disney movies
i admit it. i love when harry met sally. beauty and the beast. i even own a copy of the princess diaries 2.
i try and see myself as a semi rational and thoughtful human being, but the minute harry walks in on sally at that new years eve party and gives the "speech"...
i admit it.
i tear up.
i sniffle.
and worse of
all i say to myself " that's it. that's love. that's what i want."
the problem with women is that they don't want to be in love.
they want to be in love in a movie.
and that's where the degradation of gender relations begins.
now, don't get me wrong. i've been jaded, but not to the point of handing in my hopeless romantic club card.
i
want to believe.
i think we all do -- that loving someone means that you've got to go through at least 2 hours of running, chasing, scheming, petals on the floor and often climbing to the top of the empire state building on valentines day, in order to fight for someone.
hell, it was brian that always told me that "anything less than mad, passionate and extraordinary is a waste of my time."
and i really took that to heart.
but i think somewhere in all that we stopped believing that we have some worth and that that should be important enough to the other person to go the extra mile and started believing that its love is supposed to always be hard.
always be a struggle.
always be about who outdoes who in the great romace film that is our life.
and inevitably, it just turns out to be a better than average porn or worse, a horror film.
i know.
cause i'm guilty of it too.
and it kills me to watch the people around me fall apart when the ending turns out to be not so happy cause one person didn't have it in them, for whatever reason, to compromise and sacrifice more than enough for the other person.
perhaps is situational.
perhaps they just don't know how to make that kind of sacrifice.
whatever the reason the outcome is the same: someone like me.
someone who gave everything for one person when that person couldn't give it back.
and now i'm thinking about seeing a therapist in order to channel my resentment into something other than singing about how dave coulier broke my heart. ( if you don't get it, don't try.)
i think we all want to be loved like that deep down, i just don't think that everyone's always ready for that.
and that's okay. ( hard but okay)
being in love is a scary thing. you've got to be open to all of it, the good and the bad, and you have to be accepting that that is how it is.
life is a bitch.
love is a blind s&m dominatrix.
and we all love getting our ass whomped by both.
cause it means that we're alive.
and i know if my mom could do the whole jedi obi wan ghost projection thing, she'd tell me that that's pretty much the deal.
life is for the living and love is most certainly not for the faint at heart.
so watch the romantic comedy and hate on boys when they're stupid tools, but always remember that loving another doesn't always have to be a battle.
just like life, it's a choice we make over and over again to make one person happy and to make ourselves feel like we're doing something important in our life.
but its not our whole life.
just a pretty fucking awesome perk ( that hopefully leads to pretty fucking awesome groping.)
we'll all find our harry or sally. and maybe it won't take complicated and comical slapstick circumstances to get there.
unless that's the way we want it.
and then...well...i can't help you there.
i can barely help myself.
[to be continued]
scribed; 11/08/2005 02:05:00 PM
0 Leave me some love.
 | | The Playstation
Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSMf)
Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation.
You're a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It's therefore highly likely that you're attractive, and you're certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you.
You don't get attached too easily, and, to wit, you're not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That's a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you're open to anything, you're keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won't be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down.
Your exact opposite:
The Priss
Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer | In the meantime, the men you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don't need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can't think of anything about you we'd change. Keep on fucking, partner.
ALWAYS AVOID: The Mixed Messenger
CONSIDER: Anyone else |
Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: verdigriswings |
scribed; 11/08/2005 02:03:00 AM
1 Leave me some love.
oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.07.2005
you know what really gets my goat?
::rant one::
the fact that he has the balls to pretend like everythings okay the night before graduation so that he may get his last collegiate hurrah with his
always so willing ex girlfriend and then just thoroughly ignores any attempts on my part to be his friend beyond the bedroom.
just his friend.
nothing else.
not like being college sweethearts mean anything.
not like there was a reason we always kept going back to one another.
i guess it really was just about the sex.
that depresses me thoroughly.
::rant two::
why
WHY do i still miss him?
i think i have made some pretty good decisions on my part in regards to the dealings of my heart.
i think it was reasonable that i keep away from him, stand my ground, and take my space.
i honestly don't think he is quite as aware of the absence i have left in his life, quite as well as i am the absence he left in mine.
but after all the avoiding, the half truths, the lack of interest and affection, i should know better by now.
and yet...
the heart wants what it wants.
and the mind clearly does not fucking seem to learn any reason of the heart.
::rant three::
so the age thing is definitely rearing its ugly head.
i mean i get it.
i do.
he's a college kid.
he's still younger.
he still has faith that carnegie mellon won't eat his soul and that he may actually sustain some semblance of academic achievement if he does his homework like a good student.
and i'm an embittered female who's learned to work the system to get a passing grade and spends most of her nights forgoing work for laguna beach reruns ( and yes, i eat junk food.)
i try not to judge, but when he gets trashed and tries to eat my remote ( and then there is the whole trying to give me the shocker thing while i'm standing and fully clothed), i've got to take a moment.
though seemingly the perfect specimen of dudetide and coolness (all with quite a nice body and a sweet disposition, if i do say so myself) the obvious still remains.
after all i've experienced in my four years here:
he's a kid.
and i think i might be getting too old for this.
scribed; 11/07/2005 12:26:00 AM
1 Leave me some love.
oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.03.2005
I love you.
I hate you.
I can't live without you.
I breathe you.
I taste you.
I can't live without you.
I just can't take anymore,
this life of solitude.
I pick myself off the floor
And now i'm done with you.
scribed; 11/03/2005 02:24:00 AM
0 Leave me some love.
oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.02.2005
MEMO:
Re: How to Not Be an Asshole.
To all guys.
Ahem.
Do me a favor and remember the following.
1. NEVER tell a girl she's overacting. Don't do it. Even if she IS overreacting. Just trust me on this one. If not, you better find your ass a nice cellar to weather the shit storm that's coming your way.
2. Get your SHIT together. You wanna date. You don't wanna date. You love someone you don't. You need your space. You don't. I mean who are you kidding thinking that you're all put together and know what you want. If you like someone, go with it. Don't lie to yourself cause you're only gonna look like a douche bag when we give exactly what you want (space) and you just can't get enough of us.
3. We really don't want that much. Just some of your time and a lot of affection. We don't want a knight on a horse, we just want a guy who brushes hair from our face when we're not paying attention and will buy us flowers when we're having a bad day. Cuddling/Snuggling is key and goddamnit, let us choose the movie from time to time.
4. Don't hit on girls in front of us ESPECIALLY when you are drunk and that girl is our friend. Unless you're into some sadomasochistic shit and want to get your ass whomped or a choice martini to the face then be reasonable. Be responsible. And be a man.
5. When we ask for our space, give it to us. Respect us enough to trust our decision. Be a good guy and stay away for a bit so that we may gather our bearings when we are pissed or mad or broken up. We don't you expect you to understand it. We just expect you to do it and that's the end of that.
6. Be reliable. Don't be the last person we depend on in any situation. If you are the absolute final option for us that means something is wrong. If we can't trust you to show up for our anniversary dinner or to pick us up from the airport, then you've got more problems than just a bad memory.
7. When we call you, answer the fucking phone. When we text you, respond. When we im you, im us back. If you're busy, catch up later. Say BRB. Say "i'm busy, catch you later beautiful." Don't just ignore us. Ignoring us won't make us go away. It's like that rash on your johnson. It'll only get angrier and angrier the more you put off going to the doctor. And if you happen to ignore us, have a reasonable explanation for it. And if you decide that ignoring you once means avoiding us for a week, do everyone the favor and break up with yourself. You're not even worth our anytime minutes.
8. Practice what you preach. If you hate us hanging out with our good friend the Ex Boy then expect us to be a little pissed when you're texting your super bitch ex girlfriend about hanging out on Saturday. If you want us to be in a good mood, don't treat us like we're not worth your time and for the love of god, if you expect us to be a good girlfriend and friend to you take the time to do the same for us. It's the least you could do for us putting up with you taking up 3/4's of our bed.
9. AIM or text messaging is the lowest form of communication. Any medium that you can write "plz 4give me 4 cheating on u" is clearly the work of the devil. Use the phone. That's why we shell out 40 bucks a month for a cell phone.
10. When we want to have sex...have sex with us. I know there is an infinitesimal chance that you're actually not horny, but let's be honest...that's just a ploy to catch some more football or halo. If you're good, maybe we'll let you keep the tv on.
scribed; 11/02/2005 07:37:00 PM
1 Leave me some love.
They say that the best things...
The things truly worth doing...
Are always the hardest things you'll ever do.
To love. To try new things. To experience life, all of it , means to open yourself up to every aspect, every nuance of its most glorious and most painfully tragic moments.
And it hurts.
The good times and the bad, strike chords in your heart so resonating that sometimes you just have to sit down and cry.
Cry because no matter how horrible humans can be, how awful the world has become there still is some beauty in the shadows of life.
scribed; 11/02/2005 01:23:00 AM
0 Leave me some love.
What have I gotten myself into?
scribed; 11/02/2005 01:09:00 AM
0 Leave me some love.
