oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.30.2005
first an apology.
i haven't been very good about posting lately, i normally would blame my cold
or lack of time
but mainly, i think i've had too many things to say
and no where to begin.
a lot of things have been happening lately.
not the crazy sort of life altering phone calls in the middle of the evening tell you your parent has passed away.
or your city getting attacked by terrorists.
or something about a blood count and growing cycts in bad places.
nothing like that.
no, this has been more of a confederation of subtle moments,
small wrinkles in the fabric of every day normal life
that have lead to bigger changes in the pond.
you know?
the whole butterfly in the desert sort of thing.
and as every day passes i find myself feeling (more and more) the growing pains of growing up.
mostly, i feel like with the recent storm front of heartache in my life has forced me into the kind of adulthood i had been avoiding.
the kind of adulthood that means you have to make decisions every day.
hard ones.
painful ones.
complicated ones.
that garauntee the kind of life for yourself that is best for you
and only you.
i've about reached that point in my life where i need to be selfish about my love and the people i let into my life.
the recent set of minor (and major) betrayals have taught me a lot about that.
the people i thought would be there always, through everything, have turned into some of the more toxic aspects of my life as of recently.
like a bad drug, its hard to stop. withdrawl is unbearable. but inevitably these people and parts of your life will only end up hurting you.
and only you.
and i need to learn to not be so forgiving this time with the pieces of my heart that i have recovered whole from the events of the past two months.
i need to learn to move on.
and so i've tried, quite valiantly from what my roommates and friends have told me, to let go,
but things keep weighing on me.
the why's and how's and how could you's just keep pressing on me to make it nearly unbearable to breath.
so purge i must, even if its just to all of you, because i feel that this time around whatever i say to them won't change a damn thing.
fighting doesn't always make you strong, you know.
first, to you oh certain frat boy.
i think you read this. at least i'm moderately sure.
and i'm not sure if you got the "fuck you" part of the last real conversation we had.
but you're always telling me to read your blog instead of actually talk to me about your life, so here it is.
i'm not sure i want to be your friend anymore.
in fact, the way things are going lately -- i'm pretty damn sure that's a good decision on my part.
i've taken a lot of time to think about it and, honestly, if i've been right to make any of the decisions i have made about my love life in the past school year then why should i continue to allow you to treat me in the same awful manner.
you were right.
you were an asshole to me.
you've hurt me, you've betrayed my trust and on more than one ocassion broken my heart.
i loved you.
i was IN love with you.
for nearly four agonizing years of our relationship/friendship/whatever, i waited for you to even tell me you loved me back.
to wake up and realize that i was important to you and valuable to you and that, although, significant others come and go
you and i were for life.
even after i had moved on, knowing full well you would never feel the same way i felt about you, i still loved you.
i wanted you to be happy.
but always was i the consolation prize.
the girl you ran to after your heart got broken again and again.
of course i would pick up the phone at 4am to talk you down from a night of agonizing over
her.
of course i would make every big moment special and call you to check up on you.
of course i would cuddle and tell you i loved you even when you would just say " persistant" back to me.
i'm your comfort zone. your fall back girl.
i understand that now.
and ever since
she came into your life everything has changed.
or maybe, everything just became a little more evident to me about how they hadn't changed.
in five years i was still "just paloma" to you.
someone you could sleep with, play with, love off of and use in order to make yourself feel a little less lonely without ever worrying about the consequences.
cause you and i are different. we're the exception, right?
you claimed that i was the one on the pedestal, but really, i was just that mat at your feet.
a stepping stone to a better thing.
and here we are again.
i feel like i've written this entry about us too many times.
you write in your blog how she's the only person who's ever really loved you.
how she's amazing and the only thing you live for.
how she taught you how to love and how she's the person that changed your life.
and you know what i say?
fuck you. fuck off.
how you could say all that after everything.
after all the bullshit you've told me.
i have a right to stake some claim in your heart.
i loved you when no one else did,
i loved you even when you made me cry, night after night.
but it was never enough for you.
she cheated on you.
told the other guy she loved him.
and continues to play you for a fool but you run back to her like you're drowning.
like she's the only drink of water in a desserted universe.
and yet, i'm still the one that has to comfort you in the dark of the morning so that you don't succumb to punch drunk love.
so here it is:
go and be with her.
be happy and marry her.
all i ever wanted was for you to be happy.
you're just going to have to learn how to be happy without me, which given everything you've said recently
doesn't seem all that hard to me.
second, to the peanut gallery.
i'm not sure who you're trying to fool
but its obvious to the world
and to me
what's going on.
not gonna lie.
it's more than a little shady.
and so very hurtful.
especially since i knew it all along.
everyone knew it.
and now to face such an unholy merger breaks my heart.
and there is nothing i can say or do.
but sit back and watch it all happen.
scribed; 11/30/2005 01:46:00 PM
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