[ remember, that these are the moments. ]

oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.10.2005

not gonna lie,

i'm kind of upset.

well, maybe beyond upset...

inconsolable is more like it.

i'm trying to be rational.

i'm trying to be up beat,

but i've got to say it's like every day i realize how very badly i still hurt.

and every day i find one more discarded piece of my heart underneath the rug that i need to try and glue back on the rather pathetically put together mass of shards i've reconstructed.

and i feel pathetic as these intimate little revelations rain on my head mercilessly and unyielding.

and of course me without a iron plate umbrella.

it was 6:37pm and i was just standing there middle of the kitchen holding a plastic jug of geagle brand cran-grape juice.

they were right when they always say that life blindsides you on some idle wednesday evening.

cause it was then that i remembered that you drink cranberry juice.

that's where i got it from.

i was talking to certainfratboy tonight and it amazed me at how much he'd changed.

a better man because of me?

or did i just rub enough that i finally rubbed off on him?

he's kind. he's caring ( a little too much now). he cares about his wardrobe.

and it made me think,

how much of who i am today, as a woman, is because of the men that have passed through the hollows of my heart?

i started really cooking and baking cause of the ex college sweetheart.

i became a cheese snob with a cran-grape fetish cause of he who will not be mentioned at the moment because i haven't yet thought up a non bitchy nickname.

i learned how to snuggle from CFB.

so many of these nuances, these quirks that i had previously passed off as just being habits i picked up along the way, are actually remnents of the things they left behind in me,

in my life

perhaps as a way to remember them and the way things were once wonderful

and normal

and pretty damn close to perfect for a little while.

i started to realize that as much as i try to run away from my heartbreak

i can never run away from myself

scribed; 11/10/2005 01:26:00 AM
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