oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo11.13.2005
well, that was quite the scandalous weekend.
some people get hangovers from drinking too much.
i get a hangover from dealing with too much drama.
let's go to the replay, shall we?
friday:all was pretty damn good until i had a talk with a friend of mine about
he who shall not...
turns out he's a lying sack.
and worse might turn out that he's a lying cheating sack.
awesome right?
yeah, until about 6 hours later when the gravity of the chit chat really broke my sobering demeaner.
of course i remembered the underwear.
and then i went over every last interaction i had with him, nitpicking every last tick and tock of whatever we were (pffffffft, in love, in lust who knows) trying to figure out how and when he could've cheated on me.
it was torturous.
and a huge waste of time, if you ask me.
cause i'm not sure.
i'm not sure who to believe or what to think, cause i trusted him.
and when you trust someone, you never see shit like this coming.
until over a month later when you've finally (or at least your thought) gotten your shit together and have started to make those first steps in moving on.
wham.
bam.
fuck you, ma'am.
i should've known better.
the whispers on the grapevine all these years (and of course there was the hard evidence that never made any sense) should've indicated that while not necessarily bible canon, had some basis in truth.
saturday:still dealing with the crushing reality of possible philandering of man i love(d).
slept most of the day, avoided work ( you know the usual.)
started the night off with dinner with friends.
ended the night with attempted molestation and emotional breakdown (not mine.)
long story short, some kid tried to take advantage. Failed.
the Boy came over to take care. Super happy Paloma.
he leaves and five minutes later cue frantic scary phone call from an ex-boy.
the details are blurry.
there was a lot of sobbing.
a lot of apologies and "it's not your fault"s.
you know what he said? he essentially said i cursed him.
that his failed relationships all stem back to when i had just graduated high school and boyfriend of the time decided that he needed to be free to sleep and see other people.
for reasons of mere bullshit and inconvenience.
and its somehow my fault indirectly.
i just thought we had gotten beyond that.
water under the bridge.
what had not killed us, had make us stronger.
apparently to believe that was naive.
and we were back at square one.
sighs.
i tried everything i could to calm him down: crying, pleading, reasonsing.
nothing worked.
his light, or the light he thought was his, had gone out of his life.
and it was heartbreaking and frustrating at the same time.
suddenly my insecurities about falling for someone who couldn't love me back, resurfaced. so many of the things that had happened between us molded how i am with men today. he's the reason
he who shall not... even hooked up.
the whole fraternity incident.
everything that happened, changed a little piece of me.
including my fear of being in an requited love situation.
i loved him so much and for so long
and still it's not enough.
there was always something else out there.
and she fucked it up for all of us.
it ended up being a pretty traumatic conversation.
you want to try and make someone happy,
but they still don't get it.
even though you've been yelling it at them for years, they've gone deaf in that ear.
they still can't hear you.
ugh. what does a girl do?
absolutely nothing.
he's got to learn on his own that life and love don't take hostages.
it's painful. it's fucked up.
but it's worth it.
and no matter how scared you are to jump,
the more tragic thing in life can be not trying and risking at all.
( and that no matter what, you'd still be there to help them get back up again.)
but i guess you just can't always save them.
on a lighter note, before the Teen Hotline Incidnet began I was prettttty fucking happy. the Boy came over to comfort and talk.
it amazes me really how much of that i've missed.
how lying together and talking and laughing and cuddling is so important to be close to someone.
it was simple.
and sweet.
and just what i needed to remind me that there is a flicker of hope in the world --
that guys aren't all assholes, and can really let themselves be that kind of guy to a girl.
time heals all wounds, but the idea of someone else...
of something else.
something better.
can be the greatest hope of all.
even for someone like me.
scribed; 11/13/2005 03:22:00 PM
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