oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.29.2005
just a brief update during this crazy time.
life is pretty good.
i didn't realize how much i missed new york until this vacation.
i love pittsburgh, i do.
but its becoming very obvious to me that my time to move on and close this door in my life is fast approaching.
the memories of the past few months have been hard and painful
and its nice to come home to the comfort of my city
where there is always a party to go to
always a new restaurant to try
and definitely a bunch of people who are interested in making things happen.
here's to 2006, kids.
may it be a better year and a better life for all of us.
scribed; 12/29/2005 02:13:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.25.2005
love.
what a crazy crazy concept.
but you know,
sometimes it actually works out.
: o )
merry christmas, kids.
and congratulations to my fave college sweethearts, liz and jer-bear.
nothing makes me happier than to think that love works
and for two people like you
i couldn't imagine anything better.
it's gonna be a rockin' wedding ( and don't think we won't break out the sister act, so be warned now.)
i have a good feeling,
that 2006 is gonna be a good year.
scribed; 12/25/2005 10:06:00 PM
1 Leave me some love.
happy chrismikah, kids.
and a happy new year.
scribed; 12/25/2005 01:38:00 AM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.22.2005
oh man.
what a day.
what a feeew days.
and in these few days i've come to a variety of revelations:
number one: time is the wisest counselor. after two plus solid weeks of refusing to eat, sleeping all day, listening to angry/sad break up music, and crying myself til a migraine came, i'm happy to announce -- i am okay, kids. better than okay. in fact, i've come to the realization that that song is right: you can't always get what you want, but you get what you need. i could probably sit myself down and think myself into another depressive episode, but i'm not. cause in the end i've learned that i'm a survivor, not a victim. i'm a way better person than certain people and when all is said and done, i have the boy, i have the ex-boy's best friend, i have the roommates and i have a shitload of kick ass friends and family who have not only held me, comforted me, sympathized and loved me in that darkest hours of the past few weeks -- but people who have proved to me that you make mistakes sometimes in trusting people, but losing faith completely is out of the question.
number two: i'm not actually a high maintanence girlfriend. after witnessing everything that's been going on relationship wise around me, i have to say. i used to be quite a handful. i used to be, what did he call me once -- an emotional disney land? ( and
she who shall not be named, yes you can tell him i said that. i never liked it, but i always thought it was pretty fucking creative. ) i used to be the drama empress of cmu, but though my life is still quite the playland, i've become a pretty reasonable, lovable and easy person to be with. i ask for honesty and lots of sex. i even ask you to call me back when i phone you. you don't need to tell me how pretty i am all the time, or even drop everything to drive to nyc to see me cause i miss you. after all this, i think i'm happy with me. and i don't need anyone else to make sure of that. the past two big relationships i've been in, i spent the majority of the time in fear that if i wasn't the most amazing person ever, that they'd leave me. and they did (or i did). for reasons other than that. you just can't control guys in love. you just can't control how people see you, but you can control how you see yourself. and despite all the jerry springer like plot twists, i love them for it. trying so hard to be a better person for them ended up with me being a better person for me. so if i never say it again, thanks. i guess things really do happen for a reason.
number three: transit strikes suck ass. trust me on this one.
number four: i'm pretty sure you're just doing this cause you're threatened by me. and that, if nothing else, is the greatest reward of all. stay out of my life, please, cause i have made a concerted effort to stay out of yours. i've washed my hands of all this. you got what you wanted, not take your booty, get back on your pirate ship and sail into the sunset.
scribed; 12/22/2005 12:47:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.20.2005
Top 5 things the MTA could have spent $50 million on instead of the "Holiday Bonus" fare scheme
scribed; 12/20/2005 09:40:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.19.2005
Some Reasons Why People Love New York.
scribed; 12/19/2005 05:44:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.16.2005
This is for my girls.
Show me that smile again.
Don’t waste another minute on your cryin'
We're nowhere near the end
The best is ready to begin.
As long as we got each other
We got the world spinnin' right in our hands.
Baby you and me, we gotta be
The luckiest dreamers who never quit dreamin'
As long as we keep on givin'
we can take anything that comes our way
Baby, rain or shine, all the time
We got each other
Sharin’ the laughter and love.
scribed; 12/16/2005 02:28:00 PM
1 Leave me some love.
oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.15.2005
so this is it.
the end of the line.
i'm pretty sure you read this,
if i were you i would want a little method to all this madness.
so here it is.
you hurt me.
i don't care if it was a half an hour ago or a year ago.
i found out about it now.
i'm dealing with it now.
i don't care if you're together,
had you told me you were in love.
if you were meant to be.
i would've been upset.
i would've felt abandoned.
but i never would've felt alone.
and so full of hate.
betrayed by the people i loved for a lie.
people who won't even give me the dignity of facing their mistakes, facing me, and facing the past in order to make me feel a little less inconsolable.
a little less...i'm not even sure there is a word for it.
i would've thought that you would have enough respect and faith in me as a good person to believe that one day i would moved on had you told me the truth when it should've been spoken.
and we would have moved on together.
and i would've at least gotten to see the two of you happy.
i would've sacraficed for that.
and for the idea that one day, maybe i too would find a new and greater love.
but the last pieces of that old life have fallen away
and the hope that the something special we shared
meant more than all of this
has gone.
scribed; 12/15/2005 07:15:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.14.2005
well i'm at a complete loss.
so
he who shall not be named and i had a bit of a talk.
it was long.
and...controlled.
i'm not really sure if it was the best idea ever.
but i had to do the last thing that i thought i could to make this all better.
face my fears.
and face the nature of the beast head on.
what i've taken away from the conversation is more a "it was going to happen anyway so i'm sorry for that" sort of feel.
i'm not sure if i mattered to him.
i definitely not sure if i still matter.
it seems a little weird that someone who could be so in love with me one day, be in love with another.
and totally throw me to the dogs.
i'm not sure if he thinks what he did was wrong,
but he at least thinks its too much in the past to worry about it.
i guess that's the difference between he and i.
i don't run from the past.
i deal with it every way i can, then move on.
i just can't help but feel absolutely worthless.
four years of chasing him, loving him, fighting for him, fighting with him and what?
what do i have left?
the image of him and her cuddling on his bed watching amadeus or state and main.
you know, the bugger of it all is that this could've ended differently.
i would've wanted to see them happy under any other circumstances.
even if it meant together.
but apparently they had little faith in me that i would be ever to get over my own feelings.
i guess i'm more grown up than i thought.
sighs.
i just don't know what to do.
scribed; 12/14/2005 06:00:00 PM
0 Leave me some love.
oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.13.2005
it's true.
eventually something happens in your life and you find out who your true friends are.
despite everything that's happened between
he and she who shall not be named and i,
i would have never gotten through all of this without my amazing friends.
they have listened to me vent. bitch. wail.
they have held me while i cried out on the street outside of a co-op party.
they have called and messaged and left little notes.
they have even offered their services of vengeance and violence ( i have NOT taken them up on this)
but they offered all the same.
and it means a lot.
more than a lot.
this little family we've built is one of the most worthwhile and incredible things that i have.
when everything else is unrecognizable and upside down,
you are my touchstone.
always remember that.
i know i will.
scribed; 12/13/2005 01:11:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.12.2005
everyday i feel like there is a new battle to be fought.
we may not live in mythical times,
but love is still treacherous
and life still a journey through untamed forests.
at least, that's what i have learned so far.
today was an okay day.
i woke up.
i breathed.
i got out of bed.
small triumphs, really, but triumphs all the same.
though life is a little bit darker.
the world a little more lonely.
it is what it is
and that is all that i have.
this past week i have run the gauntlet of emotions:
pain
weakness
betrayal
resignation
saddness
and even love.
yes after all of this, it's still there.
even if it's just a few embers.
i've felt things in the past few days that i never imagined that i would feel
but i've learned the kind of person that i am because of it.
this whole year has been one big character exersize
and if nothing else, i'm proud of myself.
i think my mom would've been proud.
from what everyone has been telling me,
in spite of the circumstances and events i've been handling this a lot more gracefully than i thought was possible. i haven't done anything that i really regret. i haven't lowered myself to any level. i haven't done any of the things she has been saying i've done.
i guess it's true what they say, you never really know who you are until
after something important has happened to you.
but being a good person and being a strong person doesn't mean that this is any easier.
i was betrayed.
pretty fundamentally
and certainly completely
by the people i loved above so many others.
i'm not even sure the drama of the word "betrayed" even covers it.
i'm not even sure they get what they did to me.
or how upside down my world is now.
i don't know who to trust or what to believe.
that's the funny thing about letting people in.
that loving someone means leaving yourself be vulnerable and open
you take a big risk with the people you choose to surround yourself with.
i mean i'm pretty sure Julius Caesar and Jesus would have some pretty serious things to say about the subject.
but it's the give and take of life, i guess.
and appalled as i am and have been,
i still care.
and don't take this the wrong way, nothing will ever change what happened or how i feel about it.
but to be perfectly honest --
i miss her.
i miss him, especially him.
and maybe i just miss what they represented.
but for whatever reason, there is a part of me that can't stop taking that risk.
cause i don't want to believe that people are this way.
and that friends don't do this.
and that love conquers all.
perhaps the big D is right, maybe i'm a sap.
but i'd rather be a sap that's learned her lesson than be faithless, closed off and hardened like my dad keeps telling me i need to be.
i can't be that person
and as hard as they try --
no one's gonna change my world.
scribed; 12/12/2005 08:14:00 PM
0 Leave me some love.
I gotta shake it off
Cause the loving ain't the same
And you keep on playing games
Like you know I'm here to stay
I gotta shake, shake it off
Just like the Calgon commercial
I really gotta get up outta here
And go somewhere
I gotta shake it off
Gotta make that move
Find somebody who
Appreciates all the love I give
Boy I gotta shake, shake it off
Gotta do what's best for me
Baby and that means I gotta
Shake it off
By the time you get this message
It's gonna be too late
So don't bother paging me
Cause I'll be on my way
See I grabbed all my diamonds and clothes
Just ask your momma she knows
You're gonna miss me baby
Hate to say I told you so
Well at first I didn't know
But now it's clear to me
You would cheat with all your freaks
And lie compulsively
So I packed up my Louis Vuitton
Jumped in your ride and took off
You'll never ever find a girl
Who loves you more than me
I found out about a gang
Of your dirty little deeds
With this one and that one
By the pool, on the beach, in the streets
Heard y'all was
Hold up my phone's breakin' up
I'ma hang up and call the machine right back
I gotta get this off of my mind
You wasn't worth my time
So I'm leaving you behind
Cause I need a real love in my life
Save this recording because
I'm never coming back home
Baby I'm gone
Don't cha know
scribed; 12/12/2005 02:02:00 AM
0 Leave me some love.
oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.10.2005
wow.
this is pretty fucking epic.
even i'm in shock.
you can't write this shit.
and you almost got away with it.
almost.
scribed; 12/10/2005 03:37:00 PM
0 Leave me some love.
oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.09.2005
you were my friend. my confidant. my girlfriend.
you were the love of my life. my best friend. my pookes.
i was such a fool to trust you.
scribed; 12/09/2005 04:39:00 AM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.04.2005
a few reasons why i'm happy:
(a retrospective in pictures)
scribed; 12/04/2005 01:15:00 PM
1 Leave me some love.
oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.02.2005
i don't know about the rest of you,
it's been a looooooooooooong week.
not sure what to say beyond that.
the world is a little bit confusing,
but i'm managing. as usual.
certain frat boy has been in florida for a day or so now.
(florida =
her)
i wouldn't be surprised if he came back engaged.
i haven't seen the Boy in a few days.
it's a little frustrating cause i hate feeling needy,
especially when i don't even know
what we are.
he keeps telling me it doesn't matter,
and it doesn't...really.
but i think i just hate flying so much by the seat of my pants.
i like a plan.
but you just can't plan a relationship.
as for the rest of it all,
working through the lines at the emotional disneyland.
(thanks to
he who shall not be name for that little nugget of witty.)
scribed; 12/02/2005 12:38:00 PM
0 Leave me some love.
