oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo12.12.2005
everyday i feel like there is a new battle to be fought.
we may not live in mythical times,
but love is still treacherous
and life still a journey through untamed forests.
at least, that's what i have learned so far.
today was an okay day.
i woke up.
i breathed.
i got out of bed.
small triumphs, really, but triumphs all the same.
though life is a little bit darker.
the world a little more lonely.
it is what it is
and that is all that i have.
this past week i have run the gauntlet of emotions:
pain
weakness
betrayal
resignation
saddness
and even love.
yes after all of this, it's still there.
even if it's just a few embers.
i've felt things in the past few days that i never imagined that i would feel
but i've learned the kind of person that i am because of it.
this whole year has been one big character exersize
and if nothing else, i'm proud of myself.
i think my mom would've been proud.
from what everyone has been telling me,
in spite of the circumstances and events i've been handling this a lot more gracefully than i thought was possible. i haven't done anything that i really regret. i haven't lowered myself to any level. i haven't done any of the things she has been saying i've done.
i guess it's true what they say, you never really know who you are until
after something important has happened to you.
but being a good person and being a strong person doesn't mean that this is any easier.
i was betrayed.
pretty fundamentally
and certainly completely
by the people i loved above so many others.
i'm not even sure the drama of the word "betrayed" even covers it.
i'm not even sure they get what they did to me.
or how upside down my world is now.
i don't know who to trust or what to believe.
that's the funny thing about letting people in.
that loving someone means leaving yourself be vulnerable and open
you take a big risk with the people you choose to surround yourself with.
i mean i'm pretty sure Julius Caesar and Jesus would have some pretty serious things to say about the subject.
but it's the give and take of life, i guess.
and appalled as i am and have been,
i still care.
and don't take this the wrong way, nothing will ever change what happened or how i feel about it.
but to be perfectly honest --
i miss her.
i miss him, especially him.
and maybe i just miss what they represented.
but for whatever reason, there is a part of me that can't stop taking that risk.
cause i don't want to believe that people are this way.
and that friends don't do this.
and that love conquers all.
perhaps the big D is right, maybe i'm a sap.
but i'd rather be a sap that's learned her lesson than be faithless, closed off and hardened like my dad keeps telling me i need to be.
i can't be that person
and as hard as they try --
no one's gonna change my world.
scribed; 12/12/2005 08:14:00 PM
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