oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo2.02.2006
as i (inadvertently) overhear my poor roommate fight with her long distance boyfriend of two years
again
i feel like i need to take a moment and gather my thoughts about the future
the future.
jesus.
never has a phrase struck more fear in my heart than "the future"
well...
after "anal sex"
and...
maybe
"butcher's twine"
but i digress.
the future is fast approaching.
and big words like "job"
"commitment"
"9-5"
"real world"
"grad school applications"
have given me more nights of endlessly restless sleep
than the time i decided it was a pretty fucking good idea to watch Land of the Dead baked.
(and that just got me an unexplainable fear of yinzer zombies)
lately, i feel that my life and experiences at carnegie mellon have reduced me to some numbers on a page
often occurring with a decimal
and the words GPA/QPA
not only must i deal with the events of my past
and the often tragic affect it has had on my school work
but the idea that perhaps, for the next year, people won't be seeing me for the sum of my experiences
but rather the sum of my grades.
the only thing that makes me queasier is the thought of a long distance relationship.
(and don't worry that's a whole other minefield I'll hit upon later.)
the future is a pretty scary mofo
and the cradle of college seems more and more comforting as time goes by
but as much as i'd like to keep this security blanket stretched safetly over my exposed soul
i need to start thinking about my life
from here on out
what the hell am i going to do with my life?
i mean, yes i have the next year planned.
and by planned i mean living at home in new york city with my dad
yeah.
that's about it when i mean planned.
i'll probably get a job.
but what?
i want to go to grad school.
getting a degree in psychology pretty much gaurantees you 9 more years in school.
otherwise you end up some high school counselor
(which if that's your thing is a great job)
but when?
2007?
2008?
and where?
where will i even get accepted?
and after i go to grad school what the hell am i going to do then?
be a writer?
be a forensic psychologist?
be a party planner?
be a mom?
change the world?
or watch the world change without me?
i was watching forest gump the other day on television
and as much as my life has been an often badly acted teen soap opera
on that soon to be defunt network
i really just want my life to be a robert zemeckis movie
a heart string puller
a tear jerker
but always a meaningful two hours that leaves you feeling like you swallowed a big fluffy bunny.
i want my life to end in alan silvestri's feather theme
a wide lens panning down a shady street
somewhere in suburbia
where the fences are white
and the houses are big
and the neighbors are the kids you grew up with
and their kids are your kids best friends
and there is always a pick up football game to be had
and a bbq to attend
and i sit in my big bay window in the greatest kitchen ever constructed
writing my autobiography on my mac
looking back on my life
and thinking
hey,
i did something in the world.
and this is my piece of the return.
a normal ending
to a crazy
fabulous
interesting
life.
i want that kind of life.
and i'm scared to death that i may not have it in me to get it.
as awesome a person i think i may be
as much as i've been through
what if i'm the rest of my life drones on as a cautionary tale
warning all those who get to ambitious
all those who think they're gonna have "that" kind of life
to remember that things don't always turn out that way
and i'm left with a boring conclusion to a few years of being voted most likely to have a movie made after their life.
and that's the scariest thing of all.
mediocrity.
the word makes me throw up in my mouth a little even as i type it.
and while worrying about whether the construction of my life might turn out to be a lemon or a luxury high rise
what about love?
with my friends rapidly and happily yanking themselves off the market
and adulthood
and something about my ticking time bomb of a uterus
looming oh so closely ahead of me
what about that?
dating someone three years my junior and living with two people who are trying, to manage long distance relationships has put this especially into harsh perspective.
it forces you to deal with a lot of realities you wouldn't normally have to consider
like him being in his golden years of college popularity
and me being terrible at long distance
and that we've been dating only three months now
and i'm already stressing about something that may or may not happen four months from now.
then inevitably i tumble down the
oh god, are we even going to still be together then?
oh god, why wouldn't we be together?
oh god, did i fuck this up?
and see...
nothing's even happened yet.
the future itself is a fucking scary thing.
but no scarier than thinking about it.
cause that only leads to irrational thoughts about grad school rejection, boxes of chocolates, and who's going to play me in the tv mini series.
and as we all know
that leads to much darker dangerous things.
like hagan daz.
and rambling on to your poor overworked boyfriend about ticking uteri and marriage.
and we all know.
that's just a place i'm not ready to go.
scribed; 2/02/2006 01:32:00 AM
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