oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo3.16.2006
1:20pm
london time.
we'd miss the first train out of waterloo to paris
and i was a wreck.
i hate traveling.
but i love going places.
the mystery of my life.
why here?
why now?
though nervous breakdowns are rarely constructed of rhymes or reasons
the artistry of the moment wasn't entirely lost upon me.
here i was half way across the world
with the people i loved
the boy i was head over heals about
and i was holding my breath.
i was holding my damn breath waiting...
waiting for what, you ask?
h e l l if i know.
it seems to me
that the relationships around me these days have taken on an unusually familiar sense of
high school-osity.
he's wants this
but he's dating her
and you're dating him
and he's loving you
but you can't forget
about the asshole before.
all the dirty little secrets
that keep our lives from being bored
and being simple
an ageless tale of pride and presumption
that has graced the WB for decades.
and for me?
though my love life should be,
and has become,
enviable (not my word i swear)
i'm sitting in waterloo station
essentially
creating drama.
because some asshole i was manipulated into believing in
and loving
meticulously programmed me into being a battered wife.
a woman who takes it in the face
and still comes back for more.
(cause oh, he loves her. but love is hard.)
and now here i am
crying to someone who adores me
begging him to give me space
make me chase
give me cause to feel a little uncomfortable in the relationship
because somehow
that's how i knew when He Who Shall Not Be Named loved me before
oh the glory of learning your lesson the hard way.
the worst part is, sitting in bed, looking at a perfect specimen of a decent human being
realizing that you haven't been as strong as you thought you were.
months later i am still haunted
left with no sexually transmitted disease (act of god, if you ask me.)
but worse
a lack of confidence, a battered libido, a craving for insecurity
and incessant dreams about zombies
(yes, zombies)
where he is the rat king
come to eat my soul.
(apparently i'm a lot deeper when it comes to the whole relationship metaphor as flesh eating zombie/end of the world scene than i thought)
it really fucks me up that i'm still that fucked up about all this.
and though i'm pretty damn happy otherwise
and
it's been months
i still find myself both morbidly curious
and physically ill at the thought of them.
so i'm going to say something
that i said to one of the zombies in my dream
( in order to make its head explode -- you know cause that's how you kill zombies)
and hopefully this will be enough to exorcise my demons
so that they never grace these webpages again.
" look. i know you. everyone does and inevitably, she will learn you can't change a leopards spots to stripes. and though i got hurt and am still clearly stalked by zombies ( i may have even developed a little fetish), i have learned my lesson and take comfort in the plain hard truth of the future. one day, when you're little zombie wife is sitting at home with three kids, no job and a bottle of prescription antidepressants, you'll be out there fucking some fat internet corpse underneath Panther Hollow Bridge, thinking of me. And I'll never think of you again. I feel bad for you, you know. In fact, I'm pretty sure I pitty your pathetic drooling existence. You can't help being a zombie. I think maybe you were just born rotting. But I can help being turned into one...."
and then i cut his head off with a chef's knife.
a henkel, in fact.
he would've been proud.
scribed; 3/16/2006 06:32:00 PM
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oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo3.01.2006
nearly a hundred saved drafts later
and i'm finally posting an update.
it's been crazy, but not so bad.
i can't wait for school to be over
but i treasure my time with my Boy and my friends.
i will be sad when the time has come to move on from this place
that has inevitably become a second home to me.
my life has been fairly undramatic
but there are memories that still haunt
all in all i'm both excited
and hysterically frightened of what lay ahead.
but first,
a little about the past --
it's been nearly five years
and no amount of grieving
has ever been enough.
when my mother passed away
i was among the quiet
and inconsolable
but cancer was a demon
that even i couldn't overcome.
and after a summer of
torturous waiting
her time had come
and i had been
(at least)
somewhat ready to let her go.
and along the way
i had learned to come to peace with the fact
that life has its reasons
that we may not understand
but that some people's lights just shine too bright
for too short a time.
when brian died my second semester senior year
i was too young to really understand
or even accept
the real tragedy of life:
that it ends.
sometimes painfully.
often abruptly.
without much rhyme or reason.
and to this day
my sadness has not abbated.
but rather has turned into some sort of stubborn bitterness
against the universe
for taking all the ones i loved most away from me.
and on this day,
the anniversary of his passing,
i find that i still haven't forgiven
God
him
and even myself
for leaving a road untaken.
but enough of the past.
the future
(at least of the next week and a half)
is promising.
to europe i go with my merry band of travelers.
i'm going to hate the plane trip but its well worth it
to get out of here for a little while
first is london
and then paris.
i've been to london in high school on tour,
but paris has eluded me til now.
the Boy promises that i'll fall in love with it
now if i only knew what love was in french...
and saint patty's day in london will be a blast
along with meeting up with a few friends,
including a possible exBoy.
the Navy Guy is stationed in Belgium with his son and wife
(ick...my ex is married with a child)
and it would be stupid not to at least try and see each other
in paris nonetheless.
quite a trip if you ask me
(in the LSD sense of the word)
seeing an ex in the most romantic city in the world
when i have a boyfriend
and he has a kid.
where the hell has my life gone?
oh well, as long as i don't lose my passport.
it's all blue skies and bad airplane food from here.
scribed; 3/01/2006 09:02:00 PM
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