[ remember, that these are the moments. ]

oOoooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo3.01.2006

nearly a hundred saved drafts later

and i'm finally posting an update.

it's been crazy, but not so bad.

i can't wait for school to be over

but i treasure my time with my Boy and my friends.

i will be sad when the time has come to move on from this place

that has inevitably become a second home to me.

my life has been fairly undramatic

but there are memories that still haunt

all in all i'm both excited

and hysterically frightened of what lay ahead.

but first,

a little about the past --

it's been nearly five years

and no amount of grieving

has ever been enough.

when my mother passed away

i was among the quiet

and inconsolable

but cancer was a demon

that even i couldn't overcome.

and after a summer of

torturous waiting

her time had come

and i had been

(at least)

somewhat ready to let her go.

and along the way

i had learned to come to peace with the fact

that life has its reasons

that we may not understand

but that some people's lights just shine too bright

for too short a time.

when brian died my second semester senior year

i was too young to really understand

or even accept

the real tragedy of life:

that it ends.

sometimes painfully.

often abruptly.

without much rhyme or reason.

and to this day

my sadness has not abbated.

but rather has turned into some sort of stubborn bitterness

against the universe

for taking all the ones i loved most away from me.

and on this day,

the anniversary of his passing,

i find that i still haven't forgiven

God

him

and even myself

for leaving a road untaken.

but enough of the past.

the future

(at least of the next week and a half)

is promising.

to europe i go with my merry band of travelers.

i'm going to hate the plane trip but its well worth it

to get out of here for a little while

first is london

and then paris.

i've been to london in high school on tour,

but paris has eluded me til now.

the Boy promises that i'll fall in love with it

now if i only knew what love was in french...

and saint patty's day in london will be a blast

along with meeting up with a few friends,

including a possible exBoy.

the Navy Guy is stationed in Belgium with his son and wife

(ick...my ex is married with a child)

and it would be stupid not to at least try and see each other

in paris nonetheless.

quite a trip if you ask me

(in the LSD sense of the word)

seeing an ex in the most romantic city in the world

when i have a boyfriend

and he has a kid.

where the hell has my life gone?
oh well, as long as i don't lose my passport.
it's all blue skies and bad airplane food from here.

scribed; 3/01/2006 09:02:00 PM
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